The Random Thoughts

I felt that i need to post again.
Meaning, I'm casting random thoughts again.
Fulfilling the purpose of this blog I am.

Now i feel like i don't really belong anywhere.
Perhaps it came from the random browsing across social sites and seeing people all around me being part of something bigger. They have part of them everywhere like they are someone who is bigger than life and have so much to spare or share around.

If i do put the statement in that manner where people around me are all in that manner, larger than life, then it could only mean that i'm the one who is smaller. Depressing. Haha.

There goes my first laughter in blogging history.

To console myself a little, i questioned myself whether i need to be active in social sites to be happier or to remind myself i actually have many friends around me. Apparently my answer came: I don't need the social site, because there's not much people i need to socialize with in that manner. It's been months since i even last said or typed a word to most of the people listed in my contact list.

Have i just become some kind of cold blooded creature?

No not yet. Because this site still exists. And its proof i still think and feel though i'm suggesting to myself that i lack empathy and concern for others.

And earlier today when i recalled about my post regarding being selfish. I've thought it through. It's more about lacking the genuine concern for every other thing. The inability to go forward and care about what is around you. So wonder did it start from internal first? Being unable to care about your own self even?

Well... Back to the social site issue, i remember seeing people having chatters, postings little notes across that cyber space of 'non-impossibilities', i do receive them sometimes, but i think its always less than the rest. But i have never ever post them back. I think that i've become a bit too serious sometimes, to feel that such things are in a manner, nonsensical. To be concern about the right stuffs, i see myself going towards the other way, to end up being concerned about what is not so important and leaving so much behind.

I see myself lacking security and the confidence. I hold the fear of being alone, because people will end up leaving me. I found it hard to put trust in just anyone, because i don't think i can trust myself sometimes. I dare not look at a pretty girl when we had eye contact, because i do not know how i'll be looked at and i do not know where i stand. I lack my security in what i do now and in the fear of being judged.

A phony i am.
When i say it does not matter how people look at me. Somehow it does.
When i say there's nothing to worry about. Somehow there is.
When i say anything is achievable, somehow it might not be so.

The posts over these few days has been much depressing items, and the paragraphs are far away from the verses usually presented. It's a circle of thoughts, proceeding from one form to another. Its merely me, trying to seeking out my truth.