Beyond the Stilts of Glass

Was looking through some of my old writings,
this remains one of my favorite few.

Beyond the stilts of glass


And she stays in this little glass room, overlooking the world. A carefully structured piece of architecture that would even pales those of the greatest craftsmen ever known. So beautifully made that the idea it was a prison is disregarded.

In all those times she had been in there, it was a little haven that sheltered her from what would be the evils of the world that would otherwise taint her. While in there, she saw for herself, the world’s revolution in the manner none could tell but the world itself. People became her subjects for observation but all were like candles which fail to ever stand tall as time presses on and have the subject break down before her very eyes. Their light briefly shone for the short moment as they started sinking.

So many subjects, so many lifetimes, it was just getting boring. Safe as she was behind the panels of glass, she still envies those whom she studied despite having known what lies at the end of their road. Though their lifespan last no more seven decades after which they would be at the almost to be gone, during those moments, it is their light that helped to lit up those of others. Like a last moment of effort just before they will be extinguished.

This man was doomed to die, as though he was merely a flicking flame, struggling against the blowing wind. She watches him, expecting the end of another subject, one that would be ended prematurely. He struggles, and every single time it gets threatened into extinguishing, its radiance flares in response.

She watches and has her patience tested as she waits in seeing another end. The end was approaching but never arrived as the man struggles. For once, she wanted so much to extinguish that very flame by her own hands but only the glass panels stands between. Those would be enough to stop that thought from happening but it would occur to her that it is the other side of her wishing to see that flame shine amidst the challenges.

Summary:|MA| a week |ZE|

The louder the clock begins to tick,
with each passing of the second.
Getting noisy like a vessel,
as it gets more emptied.

If we reap what we sow,
i wish it applies the same
for joy much less sorrow,
as i look to the harvest of tomorrow.

Lost for thoughts.
When i get to realized,
i have just forgot
what i intend to jot.

Why again does it happen?
To bear witness
to a team to be broken.
Indeed i am sadden.

Dilemma the word to describe
as i feel torn between choices
that makes me feel divide.
Through a maze it feels alike.

As i comment on the cake
to either keep or eat
i see myself facing the same fate
of wanting both of it.

Running back to comfort
staying away from the unknown.

It's Natural and/or Scene Outside this Window

The sun, the clouds, the rain, the sun is probably the only thing that comes around here so far. And thus, my writing has been very much been in tune with the topic about my life with them around me.

Like right now, the sky outside is especially gloomy, with lighting and thunder makes it presence, and a very strong one too. Just out on the distance, a lone tree stands, swayed by the very wind that is accompanying the storm's rampage and entry into this compound. Flashes of light blind me in milliseconds, now and then. The walls and window has prevent me from hearing anything on the outside while offering me a safe zone to see what is going on.

This is just one of those louder days.

Well... You can just imagine the serenity that lies in abundance on the more 'usual' days.

Tough to believe sometimes how a year have passed, right before our eyes as we worked ourselves towards the end of each day. This scene that is right before me has been before me for such a long time. Not that i am weary, i am still amazed that all of it that envelopes me still awes me like the first time.

Ok. Maybe now i'm hearing the raindrops doing tap dancing on the roof that covers this room. Ask me why i can be so fascinate by these simple scenes and probably i would account it to the reach of urbanization slowly creeping in. Hardly a place we can find that is left untouched. Everywhere you go, you'll see people and buildings; the giant footsteps we left in the wake of our path.

There is a certain sense of wonder and charm in nature. A simplicity that lays behind a web of complexity and mystery. Call me oxymoronic but i'll still say it.

Indeed this is nature, the beauty of it, i'll dare say, is undisputed.

12 November, 6:30am

Flare.Light.Shining.Distance.
Breeze.Cold.Whistle.East.
Sky.Dark.Shades.Grey.
Silhouette.Clouds.Floating.Gloomy.
Sparkle.Plane.Flight.Disappear.
Fire.Burning.Constant.Ember.
Morning.Serene.Peaceful.Gentle.
Road.Long.Empty.Lonely.

Seems like i've been writing a lot about mornings.
Especially when i'm in camp.
Due to my early schedule of waking at 5:30am daily perhaps.
Something worth a look and brings a great feeling to the day.

Me.You.Us.Them.

Morning

Morning sight,
before day break.
A pattern formed,
across the sky.
Not to the horizon yet,
that is.
Wearing shades of blue
and various grey.
Into a collage,
gentle and calm.
Hiding behind is the rising sun,
inching its as the clock ticks by.
Ember skies are not far off,
with its crimson and golden glow.

Distorted World and.. A Hero

From quite a while ago,
completed portions from here and there
with my muse a cat and mouse game.

When the world starts coming
all on you
at one shot..

It caught me breathless,
not a moment I could call
ease.

Things seem wrong
like a distorted world,
nothing making sense.

Sinking into despair,
trying hard
running to where the path ends.

Shoulders felt heavy
weighing my body down
with an unbearable sting.

Numbness beings to fill
my limbs and now reaching
for my head.

Am I giving up
or am i tasting
a sense of defeat?

Desperate times calls
for desperate measures.
But how does it measure this time?

To be a person strong
against overwhelming odds,
unwavering, unfaltering.

Look around,
have the world becoming
unlike any you've known before.

What you fight for becomes the past
as all that is familiar becomes
ashes and dust.

Do you lose meaning all at one go
or have it slipping from you
like a river's flow.

It tough to play the hero
when everyone is looking for one
much less talk about being your own.

We look so much to having others light our way.
Did we even realize that
we'll be our greatest guide one day.

This torn world inside cries out loud
calls for some faith
and a hero for help.

Lost the actual feeling
that got me started
tracing it back to complete it all.

Dreams: Closer

I've been dreaming of strange things.
Thing that would have been seen as normal,
but presented in a manner of usual fashion.

Receiving a note from an overseas friend,
a note of his death and with it,
are words he would have said.
A collection of thoughts and regards
to his friends which he would have wished
to say in person himself.
Never been listed as one
who would give much concern about others,
this time what he left were
heartfelt comments for his friends,
those who are close but far away.
Honestly could it be that
i've lost a few friends this year
that made me wonder whether
death is coming near.
And that its upon facing death
that people would really speak their mind.

Another dream that appeared
brought me to the space beneath my bed.
Amidst the dust i found
a pair of torn socks even i forgot.
A message i saw within,
about the past and where i have been.
Where i lost a certain part of me,
trapped in lost time and uncertainty,
waiting for me to find it again,
that i knew as another broken me.
What i am searching for could be just near,
needless of me to seek high and low.
Or is it about my losing sight,
of what seems to be the obvious?

Along was something far from a dream,
a bit of magic i felt tingling
reminding, rekindling the feeling
that have been lost unknowingly.
At an instance i understood what it all meant,
the search i was on without a single trace.
A hunt without any idea
what is the prey.
All i know is that it would fill a gap,
that lies in my heart,
making me feel hollow-ed out.

Looking for satisfaction is half the story.
In fact it is about acquiring this sensation
with a team i can count on,
and then moving on
to beyond anything we know of.
But being so warded against new faces,
too defensive for my own good in fact.
That any hope of having anyone closer
seem like impossible.
Even if its not about companions,
i still need a shoulder,
a person who would stand through tough times
alongside with me.
Provided i can get through
the knot that is in me.

A series of reminders.
Now i think i'm more connected with the world than i knew i was,
in a way perhaps.
Or a sign that i'm opening up to myself.

A Flood in My Head

i believe this entry is the result of two days of conversation.
And with a bit of influence from what i've been reading.

Been on the road for so long,
walking alone i am,
with people whom i can side along.

Friends that i call,
despite the gap that lies between,
they are support upon which i can fall.

Shall it be this time round,
seeking a companion in my journey,
the one who is yet to be found.

She ain't far, she is near,
am i to deny the prescence
that stands right before me so clear?

Tapping is my finger,
awaiting a sign to come knocking
before i decide to pull the trigger.

Choices run through my mind,
calculating risks and stakes involve,
am i to answer with a sigh?

There are losses and of cos gain
we try too hard to think too much
to avoid unnecessary pain.

Fearing fail and give no try?
take a look at the birds
when they learn to fly.

Observe with your keen sight,
take a closer look
before doing what you think is right.

Read the moves, interpret its meaning
you can only hope for
to see what you are wishing.

When all is right,
and time is ripe
i'll strike.

And more to come, details i probably won't recall here, for now that is.
And conclude,
I know I'm not alone as I felt I was.

If anyone were to ask again whether i blog for people to see.
I'll say yes. And no.
I write to express myself,
my blog serves as a bridge,
to bring my thoughts for those who read.

Still awaiting for The Distorted World and A(Its) Hero.

Me and the Morning

Quiet morning
chilled by wind and rain.
A room less than filled
with music flowing through.

Emotions within rhythms,
melody and voice put together.
Light and calming air,
soothes one's soul so much.

The bed so tempting
constantly calling me to join it in slumber.
Clouds had kept the morning sun hidden well
casting away rays of bright.

My phone lies a corner
as though losing all hint of life.
Pen kisses the paper
producing words of blue.

Whirlpools of thoughts in my head
from twirls in my stream of thoughts.

Victim and the Accused

The accused pleading innocence,
the victim lying in cold blood.
A judge remains to be found,
to reckon justice upon the guilty.

Came a sudden thought of random,
challenging the chain of flow so far.
Even if the guilty shall be dealt conviction
what meaning to the victim does it bear?

Dreamlike

I am like a dream,
carrying and passing messages
but hiding them in forms
you do not understand,
leading you into a chase
just to reveal what i meant.

I am like a dream,
being what you want
and all the possibilities,
only to disappear
and leaving only a trace
of irretrievable memory.

I am like a dream,
however real it may seem,
it does not transit into reality
and lays beyond your touch,
a mere fragment of thought,
conjure by your deepest hopes.

Meaning and Falling Down

The following would sound like a speech.
To be presented to who, i suggest its myself.
To be presented where, i suggest my head.

I didn't find what i lost,
but i did realised what it it.

It is meaning.

The meaning that ties so strongly to purpose.
The purpose that was the root of my belief and reason to why i fight.
The reason why i wake up every morning knowing i have to fight and work harder.

The fight is not just for the purpose,
its a fight against myself too.

The meaning which formed the basis and foundation now lies in rumbles like ruins of a destroyed building.
It is now tough to build on such ruined ground but i won't clear this ground of the ruins for the fear of losing the last traces of what used to stand here.
Now as I know, what has been gone is far from our reach and what remains becomes all the more precious and thus, we want to keep it, even if just a little.
So keeping it and attempt to build upon it becomes a fruitless one despite the knowledge at hand.

I trust that, only by tearing everything down fully then would there be a chance of seeing a complete structure again.

I believe, in order to pick yourself up, you have to fall down to do so, and fall completely.

I am wondering how to fall down completely.

Where i do,
I'm not going to just call it quits.

Best at my Worst

Woke up from a nap
my head is in a twirl.
Try to steady myself
as i resist lying back again.

Away from my thoughts
i hear the music blasting.
But my ears feel pressure
coming from the air so still.

Time akin to stopping
man on the moon i feel.
Seeking my way out
of this finely weaved webbing.

Looking for my chocolates
my happy food I call.
I'm not unhappy
not enough to be happy yet.

Sense of emotions getting wrecked
like a compass going crazy.
Felt a sense of defeat
masking over me.

If its a cloak on my back,
its truly dense to the thread.
A loss when nothing is fought,
what exactly the stake forfeited?

I guess i know but silent in words
for i wish not to aloud the unsaid.
Fear i see that is keeping me mute
apparently I'm facing my dreaded.

Amusing i felt as i observed
that I recover my lost muse.
In that instance of my worst
where i got to be my best again.

Facing the Unwritten Written

Written laws
unwritten rules.
It all becomes empty verses
if there's no warrant.

Does power or authority
become the requisite,
in order for one
to tail the upkeep.

If odds are against you
how do you do
to maintain your stand
under overwhelming sense.

Give up and run away,
or fight till the end
only to find you're stuck
in a languish wrestle.

As when the written or said
deals you a path too tough
what makes you the person
to stick by way.

I'm Back

Awake but not awoken,
rise up on my own accord.
To seek a new goal
that now only exist
in my mind.

Back to basics but
not to square one.
I'm just tracing my steps
back to where
i started out from.

Lost i may be
but its just time
before i see
the road ahead
and the light that shines upon.

Goodbye

A mentor, a friend.
A senior, a guide.
To the road he is,
a light, so bright.

This is dedicated to you, Andrew.
There are somethings that about yourself that you might not know.
And one of that I'll say is,
You've made a difference in our lives.

P.S Thanks for your soccer shoes,
which got me started and all.

The last season was five years ago? Was it?

Philosophy

Along the way this far, referring to the past over one year in army, personal philosophy has been an important part of me, something that gets me going, stops me dropping and keeps me thinking.

When i just got enlisted, i believed that "Joy lies in enjoyment", that joy or happiness is for me to discover. Provided i can learn to enjoy it. Well, no one really enjoys being in the army anyway, so this became an attempt to do that.

It worked pretty well for me and i got past three months and then into command school. Things were pretty much different, the people, the environment and what you have to achieve. Achieve not in your own goals but rather about criteria to pass out. But this time my initial philosophy don't seem to be making so much sense anymore, so i went about looking for something new. I thought about "loving what you do vs doing what you love" as my next statement, which translates into the two manner to be happy. Its pretty much a sad fact that i can't choose what i am doing so practically i'm given only one option. If taking a closer look at things, both 'philosophy' so far talks about what to achieve but not about what drives you.

I went searching for a answer and it came to me after losing a few weekend mornings away in camp. As a physical test failure, i had to spend saturday mornings doing trainings, thus i started working very hard to get out of this situation. Then i realized that i started working so hard either because i was afraid of losing my weekend away or because i want to have the weekend morning as my own. I ended up sticking two statements on my cupboard. "Doing the work you love vs loving the work you do.", "Fear of loss or love for possession." Its a point to note that there is no better choice but rather what fits you better.

The next phrase i entered did not give much change but i believe that things still need moving on. Around that time i re-watched "Kingdom of Heaven" and the oath they took left a pretty deep impression on me. The portion about being a good man everyday. Consistent effort, its telling me. Back in my mind, i felt that consistency in effort only gets harder day by day. But still i told myself "Not to be a good man everyday, be a better man everyday"; always be seeking improvements.

When all that has pass me, the line of philosophy seems to have disappeared and now i'm down, feeling lost. And the cycle begins again to guide my way out. Its been an integral part of me that i have to admit displays very much of who i am, what i do, where i go and how to go on.

The Random Thoughts

I felt that i need to post again.
Meaning, I'm casting random thoughts again.
Fulfilling the purpose of this blog I am.

Now i feel like i don't really belong anywhere.
Perhaps it came from the random browsing across social sites and seeing people all around me being part of something bigger. They have part of them everywhere like they are someone who is bigger than life and have so much to spare or share around.

If i do put the statement in that manner where people around me are all in that manner, larger than life, then it could only mean that i'm the one who is smaller. Depressing. Haha.

There goes my first laughter in blogging history.

To console myself a little, i questioned myself whether i need to be active in social sites to be happier or to remind myself i actually have many friends around me. Apparently my answer came: I don't need the social site, because there's not much people i need to socialize with in that manner. It's been months since i even last said or typed a word to most of the people listed in my contact list.

Have i just become some kind of cold blooded creature?

No not yet. Because this site still exists. And its proof i still think and feel though i'm suggesting to myself that i lack empathy and concern for others.

And earlier today when i recalled about my post regarding being selfish. I've thought it through. It's more about lacking the genuine concern for every other thing. The inability to go forward and care about what is around you. So wonder did it start from internal first? Being unable to care about your own self even?

Well... Back to the social site issue, i remember seeing people having chatters, postings little notes across that cyber space of 'non-impossibilities', i do receive them sometimes, but i think its always less than the rest. But i have never ever post them back. I think that i've become a bit too serious sometimes, to feel that such things are in a manner, nonsensical. To be concern about the right stuffs, i see myself going towards the other way, to end up being concerned about what is not so important and leaving so much behind.

I see myself lacking security and the confidence. I hold the fear of being alone, because people will end up leaving me. I found it hard to put trust in just anyone, because i don't think i can trust myself sometimes. I dare not look at a pretty girl when we had eye contact, because i do not know how i'll be looked at and i do not know where i stand. I lack my security in what i do now and in the fear of being judged.

A phony i am.
When i say it does not matter how people look at me. Somehow it does.
When i say there's nothing to worry about. Somehow there is.
When i say anything is achievable, somehow it might not be so.

The posts over these few days has been much depressing items, and the paragraphs are far away from the verses usually presented. It's a circle of thoughts, proceeding from one form to another. Its merely me, trying to seeking out my truth.

Me. People.

I come to recognize something.

Fear.

The fear of dealing with the unknown.
The fear of connecting with people.
The fear of facing failure.

Is it considered self defense?
That i draw myself away
to avoid people.

Holding my conversations
only on the surface,
i felt so shallow.

Maybe i find it hard
to just bare my heart
and speak out loud.

Or I'm afraid of hurt
that will come
if people know me too well.

I'm at a lost
when i deal with people
that i know not very well.

But right from the start
i never took the step
to know them well either.

It's a barrier within
that needs to be broken
by my sheer effort.

Selfish

I admit it. I am.

Perhaps i'm writing this out of anger, which would bring me to tell you that once again i'm busting with emotions and thus, "I'm at my BEST, when I'm at my WORST". It always happen, that when I'm angry, thoughts flows better as if the blood flow to the brain during such situations have a deep impact on the way the brain functions conclude that increased blood flow does increase the generation of thoughts.

It always occur to me that i would not bother myself with things that does not affect me. Though it should be known that no one is safe from each other and all things have a chain effect on one another. It'll get to you somehow. You can run, but you can't hide. I'm serious about selectively bothering myself with different matters. There's only so much time and energy you can dedicate, so why should you be bothering with each and very matter that is occurring in the world around you. Time for myself, i think, is still important; it's in the priority list along with the people you care for.

I take the case of wedding and funerals which is supposedly important, or so i feel. It does and in fact very important, to the people who are the center of the attention. The bride/groom, the dead and of cos their family. And when we think about who should be present when such cases occurs, it makes sense to us. But for them, how much sense does it make? Are they suppose to feel important that they receive an invitation? Even if no one is coming, things still gotta go on. That's for sure. Unless you need them to do something for you. But sending their regards is to me, the only one thing they can truly do which brings a reason why they are there in the first place.

Other people's opinion does not come high into the list of priorities sometimes, unless they mean a level of significance to me. There's no meaning why i should be so concerned with what you think if it is not going to affect me, and I'm not trying to sway you to my side. I can have my own views, so should you. I don't think they have to be bothered with what i think as well. You are and should be, leading your life, not what others think or say you should. Taking some opinions once in a while but making it your own.

Talk about social responsibility, and we'll come to the point about everyone should be working together as one. But then i feel that, everyone should have a sense of their own, not necessary about together. There's always got to have people who come up, opposing certain things, creating diversity across all that we know. You don't have to do something for others, unless you really want to, then again, its you view that you are holding.

Looking at everything and at myself, i feel that i'm an individualist and i'm trying to run away from people. I avoid people sometimes, to avoid making that connection which i would end up thinking what would it actually mean.

I'm not just selfish or so i thought. I'm confused.